Understanding the Anger and How to Express it in Healthy Ways
I have this intimate complicated relationship with anger. For as long as I can remember, it’s been there, ever present by my side. And for as long as I can remember, I have never fully allowed it to be expressed as a normal emotion worthy of space within me. I would imagine my own expression of anger, of rage as destructive, like a veritable atom bomb of emotion destroying all in my path, including myself.
Recently, through my own personal work, I’ve come to realize that the real destruction is in the attempt to restrain the anger; this acts like nuclear waste leaking through improper containment, dangerously seeping into and contaminating everything around it. It leads to illness of body, mind and spirit.
Were you allowed to express your anger as a child? How about as an adult?
I imagine even less so.
As adults, can you imagine surrendering to the rage that broils within? Does it feel… Destructive? Frightening? Harmful? Dangerous?
What is your relationship with anger? Throughout this article, we’ll take a look at how it shows up for us in our lives, bodies and experiences.
Unpacking Anger
To me, anger is like a fire that burns in our core, it’s actually quite divine, yes, I am saying that anger and rage are divine. In Hinduism, Kali is the representation of divine feminine rage. She represents the “I” that exists outside of time, the eternal void, the dark matter of existence. She is that which is unafraid to wipe out the existing creation in order to turn the cycle and smear together the darkness of this world in order to a reset point. She is the force of love that is so fierce that it supersedes any creation and is without attachment to form. She loves for the sake of Eternal, Divine Love, swallowing up the darkness of ignorance into her own darkness, producing light.
This fierce divine feminine aspect lives within us all, that part of us, which has been forcibly “put to sleep” in the world of ignorance, or through the constructs of societal regime. She is the creative aspect of every man, woman, and child who has not been allowed to express itself, who has been kept quiet too long, been kept small and been hidden from the eyes of the world due to her wild nature. Connecting with the divine rage within is asking that wild self to re-emerge, to come forward and fearlessly dance upon that which no longer serves us in our evolution.
As children, anger can be one of our first expressions of clear boundaries. When I remember myself feeling angry as a child, it was most certainly not a welcome emotion. I would have explosive tantrums, many kids do and when a child breaks out into a tantrum, most parents try to contain that little being with big emotions out of embarrassment, fear, frustration or anger of their own. They have also been taught that expressions of anger are not acceptable or safe. Best to put a lid on it, not even let it simmer, but stifle it completely instead of embracing the divine expression of anger and even rage (it is quite divine).
Where does that stifling come from?
In European, colonial society, any displays of emotion were unwelcome and the more undercover we require emotions to be, the more they come out in inappropriate and bastardized ways; they must become expressed somehow either through unhealthy expressions of abuse, physical illness and often resulting in mental health issues impacting multiple generations
In an oversimplified example, the father who is not allowed to express his anger or frustration with his superiors at work, may come home and rage at his family, perhaps it becomes physically violent, perhaps not, but either way, this is not a healthy expression of anger. This cycle perpetuates in the family dynamics until someone steps up and begins the healing process.
In many social movements, settlers and colonized people are expressing shock at the amount of anger being displayed and we hear things such as “well if you were being more reasonable, then “people” would be more likely to have a conversation with you”, but when anger makes itself known, it’s usually when nothing else has worked, or if the already-crossed boundary can no longer be tolerated. The anger sparks action.
Where have you been disallowed from expressing your anger?
How would it have been different if you’d been shown how to express anger in a healthy way?
Do you know how to express your anger in a healthy way now?
Do you believe it’s possible to be angry with someone without rejecting them - AND - can you be angry with someone without rejecting THEM?
What are the differences in acceptability of the expression of anger between masculine and feminine presenting individuals?
Expressions of Anger
Masculine and feminine expressions of anger and the varying acceptability of each. For the purposes of this post, I am using the terms “masculine” and “feminine” because each of us, regardless of orientation and gender expression possesses both qualities in varying degrees.
The way men experience and express anger is primarily informed by societal expectations and the ways in which men have been traditionally expected to behave. These colonial notions of masculinity tend to favour strength, stoicism, dominance and control. Rigidly adhering to these expectations often results in a negative impact on men’s mental health and often means that they are more reluctant to express concerns about their mental health and access services.
Men may also be more likely to deny that they have a mental health problem in a display of being tough. As these colonial behaviours are linked to modern society, it’s so important for us to shift the way we are supporting boys growing up in order to raise nurturing healthy adult men.
Anger is a natural emotion and an acceptable feeling and response to situations that threaten our survival or psychological integrity. It is healthy to express your angry feelings in order to be assertive and respectful and as with any emotion, in certain situations, anger may be the most appropriate response.
Interestingly, anger is more socially acceptable for men to express – note that I’m not touching on the different expectations and acceptability of the expression of anger as it pertains to different races; that’s an entirely different deep dive. While there is a higher amount of acceptability for men to express their anger, finding ways to channel this energy so as to mitigate destructive impacts.
Most women growing up are conditioned to not be angry from a young age. Instead, we are encouraged to be nice, pretty, quiet, and to smile and are not taught the value of healthy anger. Instead, we learn to put a lid on that powerful and sacred rage that is connected to our inner power and strength.
Emotion, energy in motion includes the whole range of emotions and anger is no less valuable than joy, sadness or love.
Anger gives words to that voice within that says, “I’ve had enough.”
How unexpressed anger shows up in the body
Unexpressed anger refers to anger that is unconsciously avoided, denied, or pushed down. Many times, this contributes to mental health symptoms related to anxiety and depression. If left unexpressed, it can also cause self-sabotaging tendencies, poor self-esteem, physical pains, and relationship problems.
As previously mentioned this week, cultural norms also factor into how people learn to express anger, with more feminine presenting individuals often learning it is unacceptable to express anger.
Below are some of the ways anger shows up in the body:
Chest tightness
Muscle soreness
Fatigue
Increased heartbeat
Upset stomach
Dizziness
Headache or migraine
Weak limbs
Increased blood pressure
Long term effects of unexpressed anger include:
High blood pressure
Chronic stress
Heart problems
Insomnia
Higher risk for chronic illnesses
Low self-esteem
Anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions
Higher risk for addictions
Impulsivity and self-destructive behaviours
Less open and honest communication
Poor relationships
Difficulty concentrating
Impaired work performance
Numbness or apathy
Begin expressing that unexpressed anger
There are many healthy ways to express anger that allow you to work through your emotions in the moment, rather than bury them and let them build up. Imagine channelling that anger in a way that allows you to be more direct, assertive, and able to state how you feel & think as well as express your needs in appropriate ways.
Assertive communication provides a way of expressing anger that still protects relationships and roles that are important to people. In addition to being more direct, people who repress anger can also become more self-aware and also develop healthy outlets for stress, anger and other challenging emotions.
Here are some strategies for beginning to express anger in healthy ways:
Anger is a reaction to something that is happening within yourself or in your life. As with any other emotion, it’s an indicator that there is a problem you need to address. It provides you with important data about what’s happening within and your needs.
Reflect on your recent past when you have become angry, and begin by asking yourself the following questions:
How did I know I was angry — what changed about my thoughts, feelings, actions, and physical sensations?
Do you know what triggered your anger in that situation?
What was it about that situation that upset or angered you and why did that bother you so much?
What was your anger trying to tell you about what you wanted, needed or cared about and weren’t getting in that moment?
Journaling is an extremely useful tool to help you build self-awareness around this and other situations in your life. Take some time for yourself and journal your answers to the questions above.
Research also shows that journaling can improve your overall well-being and decrease depression and anxiety symptoms, which are common in people who repress their emotions.
Noticing anger in your body
Becoming aware of your anger can help you identify some of the early anger triggers you might not have been aware of in the past. As I mentioned earlier, we store emotions in our bodies (The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. is an excellent exploration of this).
Begin connecting into your awareness in stressful situations, tuning into your body and paying attention to what sensations, tension and changes you notice. I remember being in a meeting not too long ago where it seemed like more work was being given to me. I was on the precipice of another burnout and as the workload was being discussed, I suddenly became aware of my heart rate increasing significantly. This was an awareness point for me that enabled me to see that I was on the verge of burnout.
As a result, I was able to speak up about my own needs and that my bandwidth was maxed out and was able to set some boundaries around my time. When I noticed my heart rate increased, I was able to understand that I was actually super pissed!
Some of the ways that anger shows up in the body include:
Chest tightness
Muscle soreness
Fatigue
Increased heartbeat
Upset stomach
Dizziness
Headache or migraine
Weak limbs
Increased blood pressure
Muscle tension
By increasing your insight into these responses, you can better track your emotions. You can also understand potential triggers, which may help you recognize when you’re feeling angry. The earlier you notice your anger, the easier it is to process through the emotion.
Interrupting the anger groove
If you struggle to identify anger, you might find it easier to notice negative thoughts that in turn feed into feelings of anger. For example, if your inner dialogue is filled with constant chatter that you’re stupid, worthless, or unlovable any time you make a mistake, and find yourself in a loop of constant self-criticism about it, that’s what I call the anger groove, just like the grooves in a well-travelled road that the wheels of a wagon easily slide into, that negative loop is easy to fall into unless you consciously begin to create new grooves.
Thoughts have a significant impact on emotions.
The more you repeat these kinds of negative thoughts in your mind, the angrier and more upset you will become, spiralling deeper into it. Interrupting that groove takes practice; the next time you notice yourself in a downward spiral of negativity, begin with that noticing and take a deep breath to pause the loop in your mind. As you bring your full attention to what you can see, hear, or feel in that present moment, the more present you will be and the more present you are, the less you will be able to ruminate on those thoughts that have been feeding into anger and other uncomfortable emotions.
Another way to release anger is through action.
All emotions have an energetic charge (see E-Motion, Energy in Motion) and anger is a high-energy emotion that can be stored in the body. Learning how to use your body to release the anger can help you regulate and calm your own emotional expression.
Exercise and being physically active all help to release stress hormones and balance the chemistry in your brain, helping you feel calmer and more relaxed.
Some physical outlets that can help with repressed anger include:
Kickboxing
Axe throwing
A HIIT workout or other Cardiovascular workouts like running, biking or jogging
Lifting weights
If you’d like to explore your own expression of anger, I’d be happy to help! Feel free to book a discovery call.