It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Today is my birthday and I was originally planning a whole week dedicated to the emotion of sadness, but this past week’s posts about anger have resonated so much with many folks, that I’m going to extend it for another week and push the next emotion of sadness out to the beginning of August.

It might seem strange to share a blog about sadness on my birthday, and my reasoning is that I often feel sad in the lead-up to the celebration of my birth. 

I wasn’t always like this! 

As a kid, I would lose my mind with anticipation of my big day and it was always beautifully celebrated, so my sadness isn’t related to any childhood events. As an adult though, after having kids of my own and becoming more aware of the dynamics within my own family, I would find myself getting anxious or extremely introspective in the lead-up to my birthday. I think part of this is a normal part of ageing, and there is also a deeply cyclical aspect of it that my own therapist echoed to me over the past few weeks.

In certain spiritual structures, there is a theory that the 53 days prior to your birthday bring up karmic lessons that need to be healed. This is based on our own personal planetary calendar year where we move through the energy of the planet Saturn. 

Have you ever noticed how the time leading up to your birthday is often challenging? Perhaps you can find some peace in knowing why that is.

Saturn is the great teacher, the Lord of Karma. What has been hidden from us will show up for us during this time so that we can give it attention, love, and then let it go, to evolve into our next year and manifest the things that we desire in our Sun period (the 52 days from our birthday, on).

Whether you believe in that or not, I encourage you to consider your own lead-ups to your birthday over the past few years. Have you noticed any particular challenges in that time frame? Do they seem significant in what you needed in order to evolve into the next year or the next age of your life? I’d love to know!

This particular year has been filled with a ton of letting go in almost all areas of my life and while it’s often felt like being squeezed through a tube of toothpaste, ultimately I come out feeling more and more like who I am supposed to be, who I AM.

ANYWAY, back to this feeling of sadness, which tends to come creeping around just before my birthday. It’s a time when my family begins asking me what I want, how I want to celebrate and for the past several years I have wanted to withdraw and avoid celebration altogether, but my family being pretty beautiful, won’t accept that and they force love upon me, which I absolutely love once it’s happening. I wind up feeling grateful, very loved and special.

But it wasn’t always the case.

There was a time from my mid-twenties to my late thirties where I became highly aware of the expectations placed on me and other families for these celebrations. I deeply appreciate tradition, but there came a point where tradition transitioned into rigidity and the enjoyment was completely lost amidst expectations of how it’s supposed to be.

Finally, one year I shared what I was feeling with my family and we began to shift the way we’d “always” done things and started asking people what would make them feel special and loved. 

Maybe it’s not about cake and presents (I personally prefer gelato and presents), maybe it’s about being able to relax in each other’s company without as much pomp and circumstance, or maybe it IS about having a big deal made about you because that’s never happened before. 

I’m the kind of person that likes deep and personal connections, so small intimate groups where I get to have meaningful conversations is one of my favourite things and with the past year and a half of limited personal connections, I’ve felt the sadness of that missing piece, but also deeply appreciate the time it’s given me to reflect and do the work this year has asked me to do.

So many reflections in this shift into a brand new year of life, and even if it feels moody and introspective, I am so ready to welcome what it all brings and all the emotions that come along with it.

How do you like to celebrate your birthday? Do you seek out big celebrations or prefer to keep it low key? I’d love to hear from you!