The Necessity of Sadness
I recently wrote a blog about understanding anger and I find that for myself, after having experienced a bout of anger, I shift into what I’ve dubbed a “rage hangover” which leaves me depleted, tired and, essentially, in a deep feeling of sadness.
Sadness is also often a result of another feeling, such as anger, stress, guilt, grief, anxiety or hopelessness. Sometimes, the other feeling may be so strong that you don’t realize that beneath it all, what you really are is sad. Gottman’s Feeling Wheel is a great resource to help name your feelings.
There's a distinction I want to make before going further and that is the difference between being sad and being depressed.
Sadness is a human emotion that all people feel at certain times during their lives. Feeling sadness and sorrow is a natural reaction to situations that cause emotional upset or pain. There are varying degrees of sadness. But like other emotions, sadness is temporary and fades with time.
Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical Depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living. Because of the depth and complexity of depression, I am not discussing it in this blog.
The other week I had my own rage-hangover after some buildup of miscommunications and life’s complexities came to a head in my household. While there was a specific catalyst, looking back now I can see that there are so many other factors feeding into what was going on and by Monday I was peaking in my anger and overwhelm.
By the next morning, I had no “oomph” or vitality left in me. I skipped my usual morning swim, lay in bed and sulked and when one by one, my meetings for that day got rescheduled, I decided to surrender to this wave.
I fully surrendered and spent the entire day wallowing.
This is out of character for me; typically action-oriented and able to at least snap myself into some sort of… something rather than wallowing, I just felt SO UNPRODUCTIVE! Old patriarchal “do-do-do, go-go-go” patterns and conditioning were screaming at me to get up, do at least one of the things on my ever-growing to-do list, but I simply could not and would not.
The first thing that went through my mind was, “uh oh, something has snapped. I’ve finally broken. I can’t action out of this.
What if I’m depressed?
I can’t be depressed, I don’t have time to be depressed. I don’t think I’m depressed. I’m pissed. But this doesn’t feel like I’m pissed… Wait a second. I think I just feel… sad”.
And when I connected in with that emotion, the tears flowed. It was a deep sadness. And then I knew that I needed to sit with it, lay with it and allow it to be expressed. I didn’t distract myself with Netflix, I just felt the feelings and rested.
Rested.
Rest is necessary, especially when you’re going through big emotions. The gift in sadness is that it forces you to slow down and pay attention. There’s always a gift, even in the shadows.
Sadness is necessary
We focus so heavily on happiness that we often treat unhappiness as an unnecessary or useless feeling.
Sadness can slow you down, and encourage you to think about your life, your feelings and the people around you. Being sad doesn’t mean you’re not coping, rather, it can help you come to terms with a particular situation and move on. Sadness can help you adapt, accept, focus, persevere and grow.
There’s such a spotlight shining on all the amazing things we’re doing that when we share about the challenges, others tend to shy away from engaging with us unless we’re OK or good. This creates an environment where we, as a society, hesitate to share authentically about those challenges and begin to curate an outward appearance of “being awesome!
But the truth is that life is a series of mundane things interspersed with elements of amazement. That’s not to say that the mundane is any less amazing, but this sense of one-upmanship is quite pervasive.
Truth is, we need the lows to appreciate the highs, peaks require valleys in order for each to exist.
Recognizing sadness in ourselves
We use different words to talk about sadness: agony, anguish, broken heart, hurt, sorrow, dejection, dismay, homesickness, distress, unhappiness and more. All these emotions are a response to a negative situation.
I also mentioned earlier that sadness can be buried under another louder feeling such as anger, stress, guilt, grief, anxiety or hopelessness. Sometimes, the other feeling may be so strong that you don’t realize you are sad.
Sadness may change how you feel physically; perhaps you have a stomach ache or a headache, or you can’t sleep.
It may also change how you feel emotionally. Perhaps you are teary, grumpy, bored or frustrated, or just keen to avoid other people.
But recognizing your sadness, and understanding that it is okay to feel sad, is a sign of stability.
What are some reasons you might feel sad?
Some scenarios that can contribute to sadness are:
Trouble or added pressure at home, school or work
Moving
Losing a loved one or a friend
Being ill, or caring for someone who is ill
Experiencing chemical changes in your body (from puberty, drugs or medicines)
Often, when faced with these situations, unhelpful or negative thoughts about being sad arise and those thoughts can make you feel worse.
Acknowledging your sadness and the situation that prompted it is a first step to moving beyond it. Giving yourself time to deal with any problems and call on resources that could help you such as friends and family, or a psychologist, or another health professional all add to the ability to rise out of sadness.
Feeling better has no set timeline; emotions ebb and flow, and you can move through sadness to a more positive emotion.
Acknowledgement is always the first step. Once you’ve done that, you can begin to look at ways to deal with your sadness:
Be honest with yourself and the people around you. Talk to someone whom you trust.
Seek help from a professional
Are you getting proper sleep and nutrition
Journaling!
Keep yourself safe. If you feel at risk of hurting yourself, let someone know immediately.
Do things that you enjoy and that are good for you; listen to music, go for a walk, read a book, call a friend
Sadness or depression?
Feeling sad does not mean you have depression. But if your mood starts to interrupt your life and how you function, then you may have become depressed.
Key differences between sadness and clinical depression relate to the cause for the change in mood and how long you have felt that way.
If your mood relates to a recent event, such as a relationship breakup, then you may well be feeling sadness. But if that breakup was months ago, or you can see no clear reason for your change in mood, you could be depressed, and it might be helpful for you to chat to your GP about what’s causing you to feel the way you do.
Sadness is:
Part of life’s regular ups and downs, but it is not a constant.
A common reaction to an upset or setback, and is usually not a cause for worry.
An emotion that can involve negative thoughts but does not usually involve suicidal thoughts.
Depression:
Is a longer-term feeling (more than two weeks) of severe sadness and other symptoms. These symptoms may include sleeplessness, low energy, concentration problems, pessimism, loss of hope, suicidal thoughts and appetite issues.
Has complicated causes, which may involve genetic or biological components. Trauma or psychological stress can contribute and can lead to significant weight change or sleep disruption.
Is mentally painful and can be life altering.
6 steps to moving out of sadness
Journal: writing and other creative processes can help you relax and process.
Clean / Organize: OK, I personally don’t get lost in sweeping or washing dishes, but some people do. I do feel exponentially better once I’ve done some organizing and decluttering though!
Take action: Find one thing you can take action on, no matter how simple, and it will begin to help you shift
Move: Working out and taking walks can boost a low point. Many studies show that people who exercise regularly benefit with a positive boost in mood and reduced stress levels.
Rest: Rest is self-care. Pouring all your time and energy into trying to fix everything often means sacrificing self-care. Eat well and get plenty of sleep.
Ask for help: Ask for what you need.