How to Turn Disappointment Into Fulfilment

Disappointment is a normal part of life and our first experiences of it typically occur with our parents in some form or another, but for some, the consistency of disappointment becomes part of the core experience meaning that the disappointment and hurt is so consistent and painful, a core belief that we will always be disappointed and hurt is sown and rooted. Being disappointed and hurt becomes the truth, how life is, at least for the person in that situation.

While they have been in recovery for decades, when I was little, my parents struggled with addictions which led to a lack of consistency in their actions and behaviours and with many disappointments, my expectations began to shrink.

In that time, I was fortunate to spend weekends and summers with my grandparents. My grandmother, if anything, was extremely reliable to the point of rigidity which, as I reflect, was extremely comforting at a time when I needed structure and consistency.

When I was in grade 2, my grandparents planned to bring me on a trip to Florida for spring break. Disney and Busch Gardens were my prime targets, but we would also be spending time at the beach and visiting some of their friends. I was beyond thrilled and excited to fly in a plane for the first time ever.

The morning of our flight, we woke up at 4AM, (I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep at all) and made our way to the airport. I remember being fascinated by how quiet the streets were at that time of day as we drove out to the airport. We got checked in and settled into our seats and waited.

And waited…

And waited…

We were then informed that the flight wouldn’t be leaving that day because the fog was too thick.

This is my first visceral memory of grand disappointment. I felt betrayed by God at that moment (I was a very dramatic child) because this was so beyond anyone’s control that I felt that I was personally being denied something by the powers that be. We were able to leave the next day, but when you’re little, a whole day can feel like an eternity.

Disappointment is such a meaty experience that can sow the seeds to so much more in our evolving emotional landscape. I don’t think that disappointment is a core emotion, but it’s connected to so many of our core wounds.

As an emotion, researchers describe disappointment as a form of sadness; a feeling of loss, a painful gap between our expectations and reality. When we believe that our happiness and fulfillment is dependent on a specific thing, person or event, we can set ourselves up for disappointment. The root of disappointment comes from holding expectations. Comparison and expectation can launch so many of these so-called negative emotions.

When we have the experience of disappointment occur so very often at an early age, we seek ways of numbing the pain of it, armouring ourselves against it by expecting less and less, even less than what is normal in our day to day relationships and exchanges including our basic relational needs and desires.

We begin to deem ourselves as unworthy; we make sense of the initial wounding; we are not entitled to what we want and need and thus, understandably, our caretakers did not give it to us. 

This can allow us to keep our parents or whomever perpetrated the hurt in a positive light and to continue holding ourselves to blame, as the cause of our own suffering, which for a long time, ironically, may seem preferable to considering that we are not to blame and in fact, deserving and worthy of good care. And yet, still, did not receive it.

Here comes the even more uncomfortable part to look at; we can become addicted to disappointment. 

In our desire to armour ourselves from it, we are in constant alert for it, and thus, can even predict and create scenarios or relationships that recreate that familiar cycle.

When disappointment and hurt are so deep and consistent, there can be a paradox of pleasure in the experience of suffering. The sense of validation and satisfaction in being let down again and again (see, I was RIGHT!), a strange enjoyment and comfort in proving our negative experience to be true. We seek ways to continue proving to ourselves and the world that we can’t get what we need, and, underneath that belief, that we don’t in fact deserve it.

The ongoing disappointments confirm our rightness and establish a truth that can be relied upon, unlike the rest of life, and people. This is the consistency that we sought as children. There grows a masochistic pleasure in our own unworthiness, the victim-shadow relishes the satisfaction in being proven as undeserving. This distorted gratification of “being right in our victimhood”  then becomes the substitute for getting what we really want, which is actually nurturing, caring and love.

So how do you release the cycle of disappointment?

It’s by turning within, exploring what that part of you that first experienced the big disappointment truly needed. Exploring those parts and facing them, holding them, nurturing them and beginning to offer what was needed so long ago.

1.  Acknowledge How You Feel About the Situation: Allow yourself to feel what you feel. The feelings aren’t everything, but letting them out keeps you from feeling stuck. Give yourself a time frame for “sitting” in disappointment.

2.  Question Your Expectations: Were they reasonable, clearly communicated? 

3.  Learn From Your Experience: Is this a common theme with this particular person or scenario? Can you identify a pattern?

4.  Take a Personal Inventory: Where is your responsibility in this scenario?

5.  Modify Your Expectations and Objectives: This is different than denying your needs; it’s being realistic about the specific scenario. Are you expecting something from someone who doesn’t have the capacity? Are you expecting something unrealistic of yourself? Do you actually know what you’re expecting?

6.  Distract Yourself: Stop the groove from getting too much traction in your mind, get outside, move your body, sing, call a friend. Stewing in the disappointment will only further validate the Victim-shadow.

Are you ready to let go of disappointment and offer yourself the possibility of fulfillment?