How to Take Yourself From Resentment to Clear Boundaries

What emotion(s) do you avoid at all costs?

Grief? Heartbreak? Sadness? Fear? Guilt? Shame? All of the above?

Maybe you even avoid the "positive" ones so that you can avoid disappointment? Can’t be too happy, too joyful, love too deeply...

When you cut yourself off from fully experiencing these emotional experiences, you stifle the lessons and the growth that takes place as a result.

I’m excited to share that this week I’m kicking off a weekly series where I’ll explore different emotions and how they are expressed or repressed. 

We begin with resentment! 

Sounds fun right?

Not so much, but this emotion has so many layers to it and when you’re steeped in resentment it seeps into so many aspects of your life and relationships.

Are you harbouring resentment?

Resentment is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, anger, and fear. In my work with clients, I see resentment show up the most with people-pleasers who put others’ needs before their own, never asking for what they really want and need, expecting others to read their minds, and never feeling a return of the level of attention and generosity they give to others. 

Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness and being taken advantage of. Often you will notice that resentment keeps an internal tally of all the ways you help others and never feel reciprocated.

Things to think about are where in your life do you find yourself harbouring resentment? Do you cling to that resentment or do you have an awareness of it and have a regular practice to release that stored energy?

Where does resentment live in your body?

Resentment thrives on negative feelings and grows more powerful when we are unwilling to forgive and release emotional pain. These negative feelings are disruptive and can manifest in the body as physical pain and disease.

It can show up as throat and jaw problems from “swallowing” your true feelings or not speaking up, or as arthritis and joint problems from holding so tightly to it and being unwilling to let go. 

There are many other ways resentment can show up physically; do you know where you store resentment in your body? Think of something you feel resentful about, where do you notice the physical tension, where does your attention go?

Resentment is connected to victimhood

At its heart, resentment is truly an internalized anger at oneself for not having better boundaries. Most people who are steeped in resentment desperately want someone else to take notice of their deep pain from their inability to simply say no. 

Trained people pleasers don’t know how to set limits and it’s easier to shift into blame rather than take responsibility for their role in giving away their own power.

The other side of the resentment coin is victimhood. There’s a difference between being the victim of an external event and making yourself the victim of your own actions; one is having your power taken away by force and the other is giving your power away.

Check in with yourself; in what ways do you give your power away and shift into “poor me” dialogue? If you say “poor me” out loud, What do you feel in your body and where do you feel it?

Acknowledgement is powerful

It can be uncomfortable to admit you’re sitting in mounting resentment – any so-called negative emotion feels uncomfortable to acknowledge, but ignoring it only allows it to build.

An exercise I’ve frequently used and encourage clients to do is to give yourself carte blanche to fully express all the ways you feel resentful, ideally journaled, but you can also rant into your phone’s personal recorder if that seems easier than writing. 

The simple act of witnessing yourself in this expression can make space for big emotional releases. While at first, it might seem like there’s little to say, once a few sentences make their way onto paper, the flood gates tend to open and you can wind up with pages of unexpressed resentment. Don’t be surprised if you experience an emotional release like tears or yelling.

Each time I do this, I have lightbulb moments and have been able to see the scenarios with a more objective lens and see how I played a role in each one. Each time I release the pent up energy from pin-balling around inside me, it makes so much more space for understanding.

Permission granted

“When you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Before saying ‘yes’ to someone, pause and ask yourself what YOU really want. How many times have you said yes to something and then immediately regretted it?

The idea of saying no to someone can often feel beyond uncomfortable; it can trigger fears of rejection, self-criticism or of somehow getting into trouble merely for expressing a boundary or personal desire.

If your expression of ‘no’ is accompanied by a long list of justifications and reasons WHY, remember that the only person who needs that justification is you.

If you need external permission to say no, then this is it, permission granted.

From resentment to clear boundaries

“Choose discomfort over resentment.” – Brene Brown

Learning to set boundaries is learning to honour yourself. As you learn to honour yourself, you learn how to extend compassion to yourself. When you learn how to set your boundaries, you’re gaining the courage to express your true voice.

Boundaries are not designed to keep people away, rather to maintain relationships in ways that are healthy for you and those you’re connecting with. There is a difference between and boundary and a barrier; a barrier is meant to shut down connection and intimacy.

Communicating our boundaries allows us to be clear about our needs, expectations, capacity, and limits. They are essential to our emotional AND physical health, teach us self-respect and self-love. When you communicate your boundaries, it is not a rejection of the other person, rather you are letting them know how you would like to build deeper connection with them.

Notice what it feels like to communicate a boundary with someone; do you feel fear? Empowered? More connected? Maybe it felt clunky or awkward, or maybe it was easier than you thought it would be.